You think typing with paws is hard. Try the life of a tree that is constantly fighting the prospect of wood rot, tree fellers and birds that crap all over your branches. Well the first of my nine lives consisted of all three.
The year was 1912, don’t ask me what the scenery or culture was like cause I couldn’t be arsed researching like those authors who get paid shitloads of money and have plenty of time on their hands to recreate an authentic period. I’ll just say it was in the old days but well after the Romans and before Big Brother hit our screens. Anyways like I said I was a tree. An oak tree, okay I’ll give you that much and I was English, so I lived in England like. And England was cold just like it is now, how that’s for setting the period and scene. Being a tree is kinda like being a cat, I just sat around all day and slept. It’s not easy resting standing up you know but cause I was an Oak tree I was strong ‘like King Kong’ with a big thick trunk. Anyways being tall and strong doesn’t help sometimes as you will soon find out.
Mind you I provided shade on the occasional days the sun came out and it didn’t have to come out much for the pommies to retreat under the comfort of my shade. I saw some pretty saucy things in my time near my trunk but those stories can be found in the black label addition of WillsaCat.
Anyways, as I mentioned earlier I got quite annoyed by the birds that constantly shat all over my branches and leaves, leaving an awful stench which was fortunately washed off by the constant rain yah get in England. Apart from the turds and sex going on around me I also witnessed some beautiful days in nature. The flowers blooming, insects that tickled my trunk when they ran down me looking for grub. And finally when I shed leaves – don’t come quoting on here that oak trees don’t shed leaves as I explained I couldn’t be arsed researching this!
I got a case of wood rot a few times which is kinda like having piles or crabs – just kidding. Let’s just say it’s not very nice. I did get scared when there was a storm, sometimes it felt like I was going to be ripped out from the ground. However it wasn’t nature that would get me – it was man in the end.
After 45 years of tranquility my day finally came when the person who owned the land wanted to build a swimming pool for his naffing spoilt little children. 45 years and then a man comes along with a chain saw and cuts me up. Yeah, yeah I’m not that stupid it wasn’t a chain saw cause even I’m not that lazy to know they didn’t exist in 1912. Two men with axes hacked and hacked and then side by side of me huge trunk pulled a huge saw with teeth the size of a dinosaur. And sadly my first life ended.
Log in next Friday for the next installment of 9 Lives.